Letters – 4.5

George Gorf Is The Angry GnomeThe Earth’s gnome population is plenty upset with the human race at this point. They have armed themselves with lasers. No longer will they sit idly by as humans take their land, cut down their trees, and bastardize their image by making them into lawn ornamentation. To be honest, the gnomes are pissed. TransWorld SURF contacted the leader of the North American gnome contingency and asked him to answer these letters, just to see what he had to say. His name is George Gorf.

Hi, I’m George Gorf. I’m the president of G.A.S.H. (Gnomes Against Sketchy Humans). I hate you, but if I am to be forced to live side by side with you filthy humans, I’ll do so with hostility and bitterness.

Seemingly Horny/Weird Surf Chick Writes LetterDay after day, page after page, you guys keep spitting out images of a beautifully insane sport, art form, intense dream, way of life, or whatever you want to call it. I just wanted to scribble you guys and say that you knock me off my ass with the boyish immaturity in your obnoxious, don’t-give-a-shit, anything-goes, nonchalant lines. F-king kudos to you damn fine writers. Don’t get me started on the rest of the mag. The luscious landscapes and the testosterone eye candy is enough to whip out the blueprints for the second ark (if you know what I mean). Every time I open your mag I am reminded of what a living hell it would be in this place without those driven, sun-kissed lads standing erect on their boards or just strutting around sweating in their bright, hibiscus-print boardshorts hanging loosely on such perfectly shaped anatomy. But enough of that, these guys really rip, and I would paddle out with them anytime, even at 4:27 in the morning in 45-degree water. As a thank you for always reminding me of why I dig you guys, I wrote you kooks (just kidding) a page about chicks to remind you of the miserable existence you guys would lead without us yummy wahines in your lives. respectfully submitted,Michelle Felton
Redding, California

I honestly don’t get what you’re saying. Your letter is well written, it’s just that it makes you sound a wee bit sketchy. You sound pretty salty. My gnome senses tell me you’re a gilnglin lilly (gnome for “sea bunny”). I like the gilnglin lilly feel of the letter but ’tis a tad rampy (gnome for “too excited”). Look out for this lady, men, she’s liable to come up from behind and give you a wraparound tickler.

It’s All Greek To MeThis is a nothing giveaway, ladies and dudes. That’s not a usual giveaway. Now you are able, with a few quick moves, to guess who the surfer is drawn in the picture and win a magnificent nothing. I know there are hundreds of surfers and this drawing is not that good, but I will help you with some clues. He’s slashing for an advertisement for his sponsors that we can see in TransWorld SURF Volume 3, Number 8. His arms and chest are filled with tattoos, good luck.Pachas Iason
Athens, Greece

Sorry Pachas, I lost the picture you drew. In Greece there’s a group of gnomes who live alongside flying elves near the beach. I have an elf living in a tree next to my tree, and man, is he annoying. He screams elf-style riddles at the top of his lungs and feeds me porridge that makes me want to gelf (gnome word for “shit myself”).

Young Stinking HumanI am eleven years old and subscribe to TransWorld SURF magazine. In school we are writing business letters to companies whom we like, and I choose you. I am writing to tell you about some suggestions and questions. I like in one of your older magazines when you had an Xbox giveaway. I think you should have more sticker and system giveaways, like PS2 or a brand-new computer. I also think that you should have a section for snowboarding in the back of your magazine. I also like how you show awesome wipeouts.I was also wondering if you sell any surfing or snowboarding games for the computer? I think that you should sell surfboards and accessoriies. I was wondering if you could send me some stickers for my surfboard.Sincerely,
Trexler Jasien
Irvine, California

I like little humans a lot more than I like the full-sized beasts. I like your name, Trexler, it sounds kind of like a name a gnome would have. I have a friend named Trixie, he’s a pixie fairy. Not like a little pink fairy, he’s black and silver with sharp spikes instead of wings. He’s a real badass fairy, excuse my language.

Human HabitatWe saw last month’s issue featuring Tim Curran’s house. Well, we were out of town for the weekend and I guess Tim and his wife did a photo shoot here while we were gone. Our son showed us the issue, and we don’t know how they got in our house and through security. If you could help us contact him, we would appreciate it.thank you,

The Tesoros
via e-mail

Gnomes live in hollowed-out trees. We have no need for gigantic houses or fancy cars. We do, however, have a need to protect ourselves, so we bought lasers from this alien friend of ours. Yesterday, a human came at my house with a chainsaw and I imploded his guts with a reverse-polarity laser. He blew up from the inside out-it was really funny.

That SuckedLast month you answered the letters with some photographer Baron something. That sucked. I thought it was stupid. In the past you’ve had some funny ones, but the last one was wack. Me and my friends should come in and answer the letters. We’ll just be ourselves, and we could just rip on people. That would be funny. It’s lame when you answer letters with some stupid cartoon or something. The rest of the magazine was cool, and the photos are amazing. Keep up the good work, just stop answering the letters with weird stuff.Brett Rasmussen
Stockton, California

I resent that statement. When TransWorld SURF asked me, a gnome, to answer the letters I was very surprised, excited, and proud to be part of a long-running tradition of genius letter sections. As for you, Brett, this gnome says that you are a sack of gelge (a gnome word for “emu feces”). I’ll shoot a laser at your rectum and implode your colon, spraying fruity butt juice everywhere. Try me, see what happens when a gnome gets angry.

The Usual SuspectsI just got The Usual Suspects on DVD. It’s the best movie in the world. I have no other reason to write you a letter than to tell the world that The Usual Suspects is the best movie ever made. I’ve already seen it twenty times, and it just keeps getting better. I don’t even surf anymore, I just watch The Usual Suspects over and over. My favorite suspect is Benicio Del Toro’s character Fenster. His delivery of the world-famous line, “Gimme the keys, you c-ksucker. What the f-k?” is right up there with the Terminator’s, “I’ll be back.”I realize that this is a surf magazine, but realize this: this is the tenth letter I’ve written to as many magazines. Call me crazy, I may be, but if you ask me, you are the crazy one. Watch out for Keyser Soze.Ben Gilholm
Mission Beach, California

Wow, this is a pointless letter. Your love for the movie The Usual Suspects is borderline psychotic. I’ve got something to tell you, Ben, The Usual Suspects is just a movie. It’s a great movie, but still, it’s just a movie. There is no Keyser Soze or Fenster. I do love that movie, and I’ve even seen it five times, but twenty? That’s a wee bit excessive.