Letters – 4.6


Jack “Jailbird” Jarlsburg has been incarcerated in various California penal institutions for the past twenty years. He’s a perfect example of the revolving-door theory, where a criminal keeps going in and out of jail. TransWorld SURF sent all of our letters to San Quentin Maximum Security Prison for Jack to answer.

What am I supposed to do-just write on these things? Shit, I had to give three guys a back rub just to get this damn pen. My cellmate, Lazy Larry, just spilled his homemade doughnut cooker and ruined half of these letters. I guess I got time. It all started when I stole a double-drippy chocolate brownie from a bakery. When the baker came at me with a cookie cutter, I whacked his nuts with a damn rolling pin-that began my first two years in lockup.

Desperately Seeking SoothingI’ve been surfing for about three years now, and I get the same problem every time I go. If I don’t take a shower after the session I get the crazy sticky-stinky nuts. The worst part about it is that I usually surf before I go into work (I am a software engineer), and when I sit at my desk all day the crotch-rot gets almost unbearable. Last week I had to go home at lunch and shower because my scrote was like old bubble gum. My question is-what can I do to help with the sticky nuts? Is there some kind of ointment or powder? I’ve heard that baby powder works, but will it work even after surfing?Mark LangstonMalibu, California

I feel for you, man. If someone starts a fight in the shower, everybody runs out naked and soaking wet. Then the guards call for a lockdown, and if you just ran out from the shower and forgot your towel, be ready for some serious ball-biting crotch-crust (if you catch my drift). What I like to do in these situations is keep a small bottle of Gold Bond talcum powder near my bed. A few handfuls of that stuff down there and you’ll feel the difference. It also helps with crabs and other insects that may attack your groin. Good luck rubbing it on at the beach-the cops may not buy your story. The second time I got arrested I was nude sunbathing at my local beach. When the cop arrested me for lewd public behavior, I told him, “Hey man, I’m just puttin’ on suntan lotion.”

Pooping Like A Man, Peeing Like A GirlHey guys, I just wanted to let you know that your mag is right on. It’s so good in fact, it has changed my life. The magazine has always sat on the john and entertained me through countless deposits. However, the May issue was so funny it compelled me to do something insane. I have now chosen to sit down when I pee in order to entertain myself through this otherwise boring act. Keep up the good work. Tommy GailOcean Beach, CaliforniaP.S. I’m glad that swell.com has decided to charge for their services. Hopefully nobody’s stupid enough to give them money. Maybe everyone should get off their lazy asses like real men and check the waves. Sorry, inlanders, you’re gonna have to pay now or stay home!

In jail there’s a saying: “Pee like a girl, or be a girl.” It sounds funny, but one time I was minding my own business while standing up doing my deed, and wham! Anyway, thanks for the compliments regarding the magazine. I, too, have spent many enjoyable hours reading the pages of this great magazine. There’s not much to do in the big house, so when I’m not playing checkers in the yard with Dirty Dan Gerting or helping Sally Salami put on her makeup, I’m reading TransWorld SURF.

Snake My SnakeI just moved from Oregon to Santa Cruz. I love surfing and go as much as possible. I’ve surfed at Steamer Lane a few times, but I mostly surf the inside there-I think it’s called Cowell’s. So far I’ve had a ton of fun out there, but lately the same guy has been snaking me every session. It’s so weird because he’s always out there when I am and always seems to be right in front of me on every wave. I’m thirteen, and this guy’s like 40-and he still just drops in and even yells at me. I’m not gonna call the cops, but I was wwondering if TransWorld SURF could recommend some kind of big-brother thing to help me deal with this guy. The snaking and verbal abuse has happened about ten times, and it just keeps getting worse. I realize that I’m a “transplant,” as the guy says, but I’m just surfing the little inside waves and not bugging anyone. Can you help?Greg MarinoSanta Cruz, California via Oregon

From what I’ve read in TransWorld SURF, Santa Cruz is a wild place. What I have done in a few jails is walk up to the biggest guy in the place and hold out my hand to shake. When the guy puts his hand out, I bite it, scream like a banshee, and start biting myself until I bleed. Usually around this time the guards tackle me and throw me in solitary for a while. It works, though-nobody will mess with you after that. Try to get a hold of Barney. Have him dress up like Aquaman or Spider-Man and kick the guy’s ass for you. Look in the phone book under Barney.

Track SucksI’m such an idiot! For some stupid reason I signed up for track at school this year, and it sucks. I’m the third alternate for the hurdles event, and I realized that I’m a slow runner. I swear, all I do is stand around at practices and talk to my friend Gary, who’s the starting guy. It’s lame because most of the time he has to run and I just stand there like an idiot. The coach makes the girls practice on the other side of the field, so I can hardly even see them in their hot little gym shorts. To top it off, since I signed up for track I had to quit the surf team. My mom is stoked, but I’m pissed. Should I just quit track? My mom and dad will freak, but at this point I’m over it.Dave HansonDana Hills, California

Quitters never prosper, Dave. I’ve got a brilliant idea: Talk to the coach and find out if you can be an assistant coach or equipment manager for the girls’ team. Tell them you have a little sister coming to the school next year and you just want to be involved with the team when she comes. That way, you’ll just get to stand around all day looking at those ladies. I tried out for the track team in jail-actually I tried to run from this guy, Big Bubba Barnsworth, who was after me for various reasons. Anyway, he didn’t catch me, so I guess I made the team!

It Was The Doughnuts, ManDudes, I shit my wetsuit. How sucky is that? I’ll tell you how sucky it is, it’s f-king sucky. I shit my wetsuit-duh. Okay, now you may or may not know that this is a sarcastic letter regarding the stupid content put in your magazine. I have stopped reading the words, but I do still look at the pictures. The pictures are great and the paper is fantastic. That’s my opinion-the writing is lame, the photos are great. There you go.Mitch SnyderIndiatlantic, Florida

Okay, big man, here’s something for you: I swallowed a safety pin in order to try to make an escape. After a day or so, I began sifting through my feces in an attempt to find the safety pin. I picked through the corn and salad pieces, only to realize that the safety pin had lodged up inside my ass. I had to have my friend and cellmate, Jim Jackoff Jenkins, dig in there with a fork to get it. He got it-and man am I glad. My escape plan didn’t work, but at least the safety pin was removed. Mitch, did you like this letter response? Next time I’ll let you sift through my shit.