Surviving The Tropics
Ten Ways To Survive The Tropics
The tropics are a great place to visit. You can surf in trunks, sip tropical beverages by a beautiful blue ocean, swim with dolphins, walk through the hills naked, and get your body bronzed like a Thanksgiving turkey. On the flip side, the tropics can kill you if you’re not careful. Here’re a few tips to help you survive your trip-but if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
Cannibal Face Painter
Sunblock is key, as everybody knows. But what you may not know is that in some tropical locations, covering your face with all white tells some people that you are of the cannibal persuasion. Make sure you rub your sunblock in well, and if you don’t have sunblock, just cover your face with your hands like you’re peeking through your fingers at a naked person, or better yet, wear a Mexican wrestler’s mask.
Fashion Can Save You
Wearing a shirt in the water is a good way to block the sun’s rays. However, a simple white shirt is pass -try a nice button-up or even a tuxedo jacket to spice up your session. You’ll look great; and if you accessorize with a smart belt or set of snazzy trousers, you’ll feel cool and casual, like you’re walking into a fancy restaurant.
Cover Your Melon
Surf hats are great, but they make you look like a dork. That’s why if you choose to don a hat for protective purposes, go wild with it. Wear a cowboy hat, a rice-picker cone-hat, a hilarious umbrella hat, an urban sombrero, or a cool safari-style jungle-jack hat-fashion and JP1 function!
Superman Spandex Rash Protectors
Rashes are imminent in the tropics, and wearing baggy boardshorts is a great way to get rashes all over your legs and undercarriage. That’s why we recommend a nice tight pair of Speedos or full-length leotards. Imagine gliding through the water in some blue Superman-style spandex-now that’s living.
Drink Up, Buttercup
The tropics can make you thirsty, but you’ve got to be careful of what you drink. If you’re in between rounds of umbrella-decorated libations, make sure to add a few ounces of water. And make sure you stay away from pool water, as large groups consuming copious amounts of liquids create gallons upon gallons of wastewater, most of which ends up in the pool.
When walking around in a tropical setting at night, make sure you wave your arms around in front of you to knock down any spider webs that may be in your path, and don’t be afraid to use karate chops-getting a spider on the arm is a lot better than one on the face. A spider on the face is worth twenty in the bush.
In the tropics, surfing barefoot is the best way to go, unless you’re surfing over shallow reef, then you’ll want to wear booties that cover your whole foot and shins. A lot of pros these days have taken to wearing kneepads simply because they know they’ll be getting super radical. In fact, full-body protection is fine these days; some extreme surfers have even taken to wearing full body armor, like hockey goalies wear.
Don’t Drink The Kool-Aid
If you’ve run out of water while in the tropics, try your best to find a stream or freshwater pond. You may get violent diarrhea, but that’s a lot better than dying from dehydration, or worse, opting to drink ocean water, which will cause your kidneys to fail, and you’ll die (which sucks if you just spent a grip of money to get to the tropics).
Eat The Legs, Johnny
If you’re in a tropical rainforest and you’re starving, your best bet is to eat insects. They’re filled with protein and tickle your throat when they go in. If you want to cook them first (wimp), cook the bugs like a pig on a stick. Watch out for ultra-colorful bugs, though; they’re poisonous and taste like crap.
Watch Your Worm
You may think that while cruising around in the tropical heat, the fewer clothes the better. This is false-while running naked thrrough a tropical rainforest feels wonderful, it can be very dangerous. The more skin you show, the more skin you have that’s vulnerable to sunburn, sea lice, jellyfish stings, perverted voyeurs, and even birds mistaking your penis for a worm-being naked in the tropics is downright dangerous. Keep yourself covered, and if you choose to be naked, keep sunblock on your beach worm.
Surviving The Tropics