Tuesday Tickle: Medulla Oblongata
Billy Madison once taught us that alligators are mad because they are the proud green owners of so many teeth, yet they haven’t a tooth brush. Now, years later, we are seemingly faced with an ocean full of pissed off sharks. Those irate sea-beasts are chomping dudes like watermelon on a divine summer afternoon. It seems like there’s an attack every week, and one is only left to ponder what we’ve done to infuriate these toothy beasts of burden. I may not be a marine biologist, but I am a great speculator--perhaps the greatest speculator on my entire street. So let’s skip the generic Fox News bullshit and get straight to truth. Here is why the sharks are so pissed.--Brendan Buckley
-The sharks are pissed because the only time we’ve recently been lucky enough to watch a live webcast of Dane Reynolds surfing was at Huntington Beach.
– The sharks are pissed because there are too many awful sports teams named after them. Honestly, some kids just aren’t cut out to play baseball.
– Sharks are fans of Hulk Hogan and would never bite him.
– Sharks didn’t want front traction pads to go away.
– Sharks view the success of “Call Me Maybe” as a testament to the fact that some humans deserve to be bit, plain and simple.
-The sharks get irritable when Slater doesn’t win.
– Sharks actually don’t mind skinny jeans or climate changes. Comfort, style, and warm water. What’s to hate, they wonder.
-Cyclers who disrupt the steady flow of traffic really rustle a shark’s jimmies.
-Sharks wanted Dino to be the best Andino.
-More than anything, sharks hate that people still call air reverses innovative. In this day and age, that’s like awing the sound system of a Kia Sorento while Bill Nye is out there sending rovers to Mars.